Michelle Elliott

     I was born in Ft. Hood, Texas May 11, 1970 and came to Oklahoma shortly thereafter. 

     The story as it has been told is, my dad was not the same when he returned from the war and my mom struggled while he was away. They were young...my dad was 20 and my mom was 21 and the 70's were a time of upheaval and change in the nation. Due to lots of different factors, their marriage did not survive. My mom then joined the army and in 1974 I was adopted by my grandparents (my mom's parents).

     I grew up in Tecumseh, Oklahoma. My mom was in and out, much of it due to military deployment, some of it due to the tensions between her and my grandparents, and some just due to her own brokenness and trying to survive. The 70's were different. Women weren't afforded the opportunities for work that we are today. Even in the military she struggled. My bio dad was approached by my grandfather and told to sign adoption papers and never come around again. I met him when I was 31. 

     When I was little, I couldn't understand why they left me. I struggled with abandonment and a deep sense of loss and feeling like there must be something wrong with me. At that time, I didn't understand all the complexities. I thought it was surely my fault somehow.  I was shamed by family for crying each time my mom left. I was told she didn't want me, that she left me, and that I was stupid for missing her and for wanting to be with her. That was absolutely not true! She did want me and loved me very much. There were circumstances at play that I wouldn't have been able to understand. 

     I learned not to ask questions and for sure not show any sadness. I was continually told that I was lucky they adopted me because if they hadn't "no telling what might have happened to me. I might be dead." and the "after all we've done for you" speech. I felt unwanted and like I was a burden. It just reinforced the notion that I wasn't good enough. I was the problem. If they didn't have me, they wouldn't be suffering the hardship they were experiencing. 

     Growing up was hard. I experienced neglect, emotional abuse by a family member, a front row seat to the abuse of another family member, being exposed to horror movies at age 8, (This was a significant defining moment that introduced a belief "I am not safe. There are bad things I can't see that will hurt me and there is no protection), and just plain hardship. I wasn't allowed to have friends come to our house. I had cousins I could hang out with but that was it. Looking back, I think my grandad was a hoarder. Stuff was everywhere and we couldn't throw it away. My grandmother was ashamed of the house. Most of it was in some state of disrepair and she didn't want anyone to see it. I wasn't allowed to go to anyone else's house due to my grandmother's paralyzing fear and paranoia. She was certain something would happen to me. Sooo....I didn't develop the social skills I needed to be able to relate to kids my age. I felt insecure and alone and I didn't know how to make friends. During these years, anger started to grow. Even so, I didn't realize that what I was experiencing was that neglectful, that abusive, or that hard until YEARS later when I landed in counseling, shipwrecked. I thought is was normal...this is just how life goes. 

     There were some saving graces to my sanity...we had horses and dogs. They were my friends who stuck by me no matter what. They were where I experienced being wanted and unconditionally loved. Thank God for animals! [There's much much more but I'd have to write pages. Maybe another time :) ] School was a safe place for me. Even though I lacked social skills I did have a few close friends and I liked learning. Being at school was better than being at home. And then came high school...oh boy.

     When I was fourteen years old, I experienced an event that created a shift in my thinking and what I believed. Until that point, I thought my family at least thought good of me even though things were hard. In this moment my worst suspicions/fears were confirmed...they thought I was bad and a burden. I started trying to figure out how I could get out of there. At the same age, I had an experience that introduced the belief that boys aren't safe, they don't care, they will use you and they will leave. At seventeen, the rage within me fully came to the surface. In my family, the way to survive was to be bigger, louder, stronger, and meaner than everyone else. I had a minor fight with my grandad and I unleashed all the anger that had been building. The tables turned. I was the stronger one now and that was the last time I was going to be treated the way I had been. From there, I developed an "I don't care" attitude and "there's nothing you can do that will hurt me."

     At the same time, I was desperate for love and attention. I started dating a boy my age my freshman year. We dated throughout high school and into college. He was abusive, I retaliated...we were toxic..and a mess. I broke off the relationship my sophomore year in college. We were in all the same classes together. He did some things to terrorize me and I failed that semester. 

     A few months later I met someone who was different than anything I had experienced before. We dated for two years, married and eight months later had a baby. Yep. We were pregnant when we got married. I withdrew from my classes at school after I had my daughter, and went back in the spring. I finished my degree...six years after I started...but I finished! (I haven't mentioned that I was working for my grandparents in their business this whole time and that has its own set of fun things), but..back to my story.

     My husband and I had major struggles, because of our differences and dysfunction, from the beginning of our marriage and we had no one to reach out to for mentoring, coaching, or counseling. Six years into our marriage with three young kids, we divorced. At the same time, my grandad was very sick. He sold his business to another company and I went to work for the new company. A few months later, he passed. I was a single mom, trying to support myself and the kids, starting a new job that had only given me a temporary position to help with the business merger, and dealing with the loss of my grandad. That year I reached the lowest of lows. I decided I was done. Done with men, done with relationships, done. I decided I would just live for God, whatever that looked like. I had no idea what was in store for me.

     On what would be our seventh anniversary, through nothing short of a miracle, my husband and I got back together and renewed our vows. As my husband says....God pushed the reset button but He didn't take away all our dysfunction. We rocked along for the next thirteen years raising kids. He worked, I homeschooled, life was busy. We did not address the underlying resentment that was building. Around our 20th anniversary an event happened and all my unprocessed trauma, un-dealt with grief, abandonment issues, all our dysfunction, all our differences...converged into a perfect storm and I hit an emotional wall head on. I completely crashed. THAT landed me in counseling. I spent the next four years working on myself, my husband worked on his issues, and healing happened within the marriage. In a few months (as of this writing) we will celebrate our 31st anniversary. We have three amazing grown kids and two little grandkids. Without help, I would not be where I am today and my family would have looked much different.

     My mom is gone now. I lost her on October 16th, 2022. Over the years, after I became an adult, we had a close bond. We were much alike and annoyed each other but the love and the bond was there. She was so much a part of everything I did. I miss her so very much. You can read about her in the "In Honor of Mom" button on the menu at the top of the page. I've dedicated a whole site to her. 

     So that's my story...and it is what made me want to help others. I am grateful and want to share what I know with you. I can't fix you...you and God have to work that out...but I can offer you the help I received, and can walk with you along the way for a bit. Amazing things can happen...that I'm certain of!